From frc-owner Fri Sep 9 20:28:58 1994 Received: by swix.nvg.unit.no (Smail3.1.28.1 #27)id for ; Fri, 9 Sep 94 20:27:41 +0200 Date: Fri, 9 Sep 1994 11:23:10 -0700 (PDT) From: "Doug R. Steen" Subject: Round 23 Ends ... officially To: FRC List Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Precedence: bulk Alright, round 23 is officially over (although I see it's been unofficially over for quite some time now). I treated Bruce's last submission as a rule, cause I thought it was a stylish way to end the round. In this message you will find 1) the final style standings, 2) the rules and rulings, and 3) a list of what I was considering valid Hellrules. Yes, this is a final synopsis of round 23, can be placed in the archives, and is suitable for framing. So thanks for the round, folks. The rules were fantastic, and judging was real ... er ... Hell. =) -Judge Dug (now Just Dug) ROUND 23 - Eligibility Player Eligible Until Style Alyxx *OUT* 2 Andrew *OUT* 3 Bruce *WIZARD* 7 Jeremy *OUT* 5 Joshuah *OUT* 0 Mark *OUT* 1 Doug *OUT* -1 Ronald *WINNER* 0 Stein *OUT* 1 Wizard *OUT* 3 ROUND 23 - Rules 23.1 - 23.27 (11 valid, 16 invalid) >>> Rule 23.1 <<< (Alyxx - 29/08/94 13:49:06 GMT) * VALID * 0 points The Olympics from Hell is an annual event in the underworld. The sports are devilishly similar to our own Olympics, with a few minor variations...For example, the diving competition is held over an olympic-sized diving pool... filled with lime jello. (This is all very amusing, until one trys to surface) In the spirit of these Dante-esque sporting events, all rules shall either describe one previously undescribed event, or elaborate significantly on one which has been mentioned in an earlier rule. >>> Rule 23.2 <<< (Joshuah - 29/08/94 14:07:00 GMT) * VALID * 0 points Hell's Olympics suffers as our world does from the political difficulty of the various nations who participate. Fro example: the most recent Olympics in Hell was boycotted by the team from Purgatory - who in the past had always participated. Not really being from Hell or our world, those in Purgatory never participated in our world's Olympics, nor would be normally eligible for the Hell Olympics. But many years ago those from Purgatory were invited (the details of which are another story altogether). Now however, the leaders of Purgatory have had a minor border dispute with some of the smaller nations on the fringe of Hell - overcrowding in Hell has forced them to try to expand their borders. This disagreement has leg to Purgatory not participating. This is especially annoying to the Purgatory Lava Luge team, who was the favorite to win this year. Lava Luge is a particularly heated sport - in which each team must traverse a course of an active Lava flow upon a Luge. Not only is the sport timed - the winner being the fastest - but special awards are given to those who have the most spectacular mishap. All reports of the Olympics from Hell which came after this report should detail a manner in which the Hell Olympics parallel our worlds Olympics, in a manner other than the actual event that must also be described. >>> Rule 23.3 <<< (Wizard Peter - 29/08/94 17:40:36 GMT) * VALID * 0 points The Javelin Catching event became even more exciting than usual at the last Summer Games thanks to the repeal of the "No Pets Allowed" ordinance. The event, in which two-person teams compete for the longest throw-and-catch combination, was just beginning. As the first throw arced through the air, an enormous four-legged form leapt skyward and snatched the javelin in one of its mouths in mid-flight. Cerberus had apparently mistaken the event for a friendly game of fetch. When neither team member gave him any praise, Cerberus used his other two heads to eat them. As on Earth, the games are divided into Summer and Winter Olympiads. Unfortunately, the Winter games have never been held. Fans look forward to the first such games, but will have to wait until Hell freezes over. All rules must apply to themselves. Which is to say, rules may not apply only to future rules, but must also apply to that rule itself. >>> Rule 23.4 <<< (Jeremy - 29/08/94 18:22:44 GMT) * VALID * 1 point As in the Earthly form of the competitions, the Olympics from Hell require referees, judges and umpires to officiate at the various events. Unlike what we are used to 'up here', however, these officials are sometimes integral elements of the course of play and often interact with the competitors directly. To illustrate this aspect of the games, I draw your attention to the the baseball diamond at Hellympic stadium, the year, 1990. In the gold medal match between the Daemon Dodgers and the Amoral Attorneys, the score was 6 to 6 in the 66th inning (the games are torture for the fans as well!) when the (recently deceased) manager of the Attorneys, Billy Martin, made a pitching replacement, calling in his ace flame thrower (literally). Knowing the new pitcher to be superior, the opposing batter layed down a drag bunt along the fist base line on the first pitch. As he ran towards first beside the ball, he held onto his (metal studded) bat. When the pitcher drew near to field the ball, the batter swung mightily at the pitcher's head, severing it from his shoulders and sending it over the left field fence. The Umpire, observing the play awarded the batter a ground rule grand slam with an extra run for creativity. Now, if you know Billy Martin you can guess what ensued. Billy raced from the dugout, spikes splashing stinking mud left and right, directly for the satanic umpire. Nose to proboscis, Billy hurled insults at the winged creature. When Mr. Martin called the ump a lily-pure, angel-breathed virgin, he had gone too far. The ump reared back on his cloven hooves, raised his trident and smote the insolent manager with a tower of flame. The crowd went wild! According to the rules of Hellympic baseball, the Attorneys were duly awarded five bonus runs for so provoking the umpire. And so, to increase the enjoyment of our little contest, all future rules shall mention a real deceased individual (or a famous fictional character) who is a reasonably deserving denizen of the netherworld. >>> Rule 23.5 <<< (Alyxx - 29/08/94 18:56:20 GMT) * VALID * -1 pts Unlike our Olympics, there is no grand ceremony to light the Olympic Flameme. Satan, in his demonic wisdom, relized that more fire would just be fairly redundant, and therefore he left that to the earth dwellers. Instead, a large, vibrating mound of unknown substance is placed atop a mountain, not to be removed until Sisyphus gets tired of slipping on it. Like our Olympic games, however, there is a large parade to usher in the event, wherein all of the teams parade quickly under the lash of their trainers. [this IS Hell, remember]. This year, Vincint Price is the Master of Ceremonies for this jolly march...and as a side note he is featuring some of his "classic" B movies as part of the great waking marathon. This prized event involves Pandemonic Participants to sit, strapped to their chairs, watching movies, tapes, vacation slides, and being pelted with stale popcorn. The last one both awake and (a little bit) sane is declared the winner. His "Pit and the Pendulum," a classic of grade-b-technicolor, is expected to set off at least a few team members. In order to help game players from varied places and cultures, and of many different ages, all new rules (including this one, of course) must give at least one reference or description of the famous dead person that every- one can at least look him/her/it up if their fame is not world wide. >>> Rule 23.6 <<< (Richard - 29/08/94 19:39:34 GMT) * VALID * -1 pts One of the most popular events in Hell's Olympics is the Sin-chronized Swimming Competition, in which the participants must swim in a synchronized and erotic manner in a pool that happens to be infested with pirahnas. A panel of judges rates the teams for style, provocativeness, and survival. As on Earth, the Russian judges are notoriously famous for giving low scores. In 1972, for example, Judge Stalin (deceased former ruler of the USSR) didn't give a single point to any of the teams. Of course, since none of the teams survived that year, this harsh scoring is understandable.... >>> Rule 23.7 <<< (Wizard Peter - 29/08/94 20:04:41 GMT) * INVALID * -1 pts As with our Olympics, Hell's Games are sponsored. Besides the normal corporate sponsorship, however, some events are sponsored by individuals. Thus we have events like Hitler's Master Races, in which teams vie to be the first to exterminate all competitors of nationalities other than their own. All rules may be broken, without penalty, ONCE. The first time a rule is violated, the rule in which the violation occurs shall not be considered invalid due to that violation. Subsequent violations of the same rule shall render the violating rule invalid. Only the first violation within a rule may be excused in this manner. If more than one rule is violated within the same rule, the violating rule shall be invalid. A rule's one-time suspension shall be expended if, and only if, it is the first rule to be violated within a rule. >>> Rule 23.8 <<< (Ronald - 30/08/94 09:56:02 GMT) * VALID * 1 pt It is well known from movies as Ingmar Bergman's `The Seventh Seal', that Satan is an avid chessplayer. No wonder that chess is *the* event in Hell's Olympics, contrary to this world's Olympics, where it is not even on the program. Satan wins the gold medal every time Hell's Olympics take place, every 4 centuries. And this despite participation of former world champion Alexander Alekhine. The reason is not so much that Satan plays a better game, but anybody's enthousiasm would diminish if e was forced to play with white-hot or pitch-black pieces! Not to mention the usual penalty of the loss of a finger for a lost game. As chess is a game where one has to think ahead, all future rules shall give a constraint that shall be obeyed only in part (but not in all!) of the Rules coming after it. My Rule for instance requires that even numbered Rules (this and future ones) shall mention a sport having an odd number of letters in its name. >>> Rule 23.9 <<< (Stein - 30/08/94 10:19:13 GMT) * INVALID * 1 point Most of the games have violence and inflicting pain as an integral part of the rules. The only game where violence is considered a game offence is boxing, where two of the fiercest blood-thirsty kill-crazy contestants are given a liberal choice of weapons and adrenaline injections, before placed in the ring and allowed to do ... nothing!!! Meanwhile the audience will go into a total rage, kicking each other heads in and poking each others eyes out, untill one of the contestants cannot control himself anymore, and ... WHACK BANG CRACK!!!! Then the maimed pulp is officially announced as the winner of the match. However, after hearing about the '72 Earth Summer Olympics, Satan was gravely bothered by the Hell Games' meager attempts at *off-track* maiming and slaying. This was soon corrected as he ordained that from now on one in every 7 contestants was to be trampled, butchered, pierced or otherwise tortured to his would-have-been death. Former Roman Emperor Caligula was put in charge of administering this, and did a fairly good job of it! To reflect this practice, there shall be at least one INVALID rule among any 7 consecutive rules of this FRC round. >>> Rule 23.10 <<< (Andrew - 30/08/94 15:45:36 GMT) * INVALID * 2 points The Hellympics, being an event of great pain to all involved in every way, open with a great oration, much as do the Olympics on Earth, by way of setting the tone for the event as a whole, just before the performing of the first event, that being the precision skydiving event, wherein competitors jump from a plane or other such aircraft, unfettered by such prosthetic devices as parachutes (or other such speed retarding devices) and collide with the ground, the winner being judged both for aerial form and for the energy of impact; and in this manner did the esteemed John Smith, author of the extraordinarily long-winded A True Relation of Such Occurances as Hath Happened in Virginia Since the First Planting of that Colony, published in 1608 as the first book written in North America, speak, him being the author of some of history's longest sentences, and so did he speak for many hours, his speech being delivered in such a lengthy fashion and his syntax being so cryptically garbled that few if any of the audience could understand the least part of it; and the Great Lord Overseer of Hell did so enjoy the satanic painfulness of it, understanding seventeenth-century literature being as devilishly difficult as it is, that he did require that all future rules contain at least two-hundred and fifty words, and as well that no rule may contain any sentence of less than two hundred and fifty words, and such was the manner in which John Smith was honored at the Hellympic Games. >>> Rule 23.11 <<< (Bruce - 31/08/94 01:52:00) * INVALID * 2 pts. Only four monoliths crown Mount Obsidian's summit, in honor of its only Olympic champions, out of millions of unworthy participants. A month-long climb zigzags through pools of blood. Rotting skulls of past victims gnaw in vain at all who pass. All think of abandoning its agony, but post-launch, quitting is not an option. To fall or to fail is unity; to crash with a jolt into obscurity. And what of victory? Rumor has it that as a bounty, a victor must sit, in horrific transformation and taciturn agony, atop Mount Obsidian's rocky maximum. As bold rivals strain up Mount Obsidian's sharp craggy flanks, braving flaming rain, dodging hails of burning ash, and inhaling clouds of lung-bathing acid, four monoliths look down awaiting a fifth stony companion. And what of victory? As Damnation's wordsmith, communist savant Karl Marx's cryptic ripost to a madding, doubtful throng was only, "It is not what it has that counts, it is that which is missing." >>> Rule 23.12 <<< (Mark - 31/08/94 14:02:42) * INVALID * 1 pt After winning an exciting Devil Equestrian [<-event name] event, John mahnoB was required to write a Hell's British Olympics Team National mehtnA, (since, as in our Olympics, Hell's Oplympians hear their Hell's Olympics National methnA played when they win their event and no other Brit had ever won a Hell's Olympics event). Devil Equestrian contests are similar to equestrian stneve of our worldly Olympics in that contestants are matched with sesroh; however, they reffid in that Devil Equestrionics require contestants to carry their sesroh through a difficult seires of fiery hurdles, jumps ssorca bottomless smsahc, and a barrage of posture and ettiquette stniop doled out by Miss Manners (who isn't yet in Hell, but is given free sessap to visit due to her outstanding service to our Underworld King to date). Mr. manhoB, remrof drummer for British Rock Sensation Led Zepplin, won after odds on favorite of lacigolohtym proportions, John Henry, was deifilauqsid for illegal lack of use of dennab substances, and yhsalf but promising relative newcomer treblA Einstein was not allowed to compete due to his comprehensive understanding of game rules which had been written by remrof managers in egrahc of snoitacilbup for International Business Machines Corporation. Mr. manhoB's efforts on flaheb of a British National mehtnA resulted in a backwards deksam version of "Satan Save Our Queen" which, when deyalp backwards, can be heard to have suomaf hcruhc loohcs song "Jesus loves me, this I know, for my Bible tells me so" embedded nihtiw it. Satan liked manhoB's idea so much that he required all National Anthems to incorporate backwards masking AND declared all six-, or integer-multiple-of-six-, (since six is Satan's favorite rebmun) rettel-words (which includes words which are part of a hyphenated set and words that would be six letters tpecxe for an apostrophe, but not words that are six letters WITH an apostrophe nor words that are six letters WITH a nehpyh) shall be spelled backwards, but no other words shall be spelled backwards. >>> Rule 23.13 <<< (Richard - 31/08/94 18:17:05 GMT) * VALID * 0 pts As on Earth, Hell's Olympics has drug testing of athletes. Athletes who are found to have an insufficient level of pain-enhancing drugs are immediately injected with at least 666mL of the correct substances and sent back into the games. Once in the '66 Pole-Vault (Each team tries to stuff Poles into its vault --- the team with the greatest quantity of Poles in its vault wins.), a team was found to have NO drugs at all in any of its players. Inspector Torquemada (formerly of the Spanish Inquisition) was so incensed that he gave each offender six times the regulation dose. In honor of that event, this rule and every squarefree-numbered rule following this rule shall contain a paragraph describing facts about the '66 Pole-Vault that are not mentioned in prior rules. ("Squarefree" means "greater than one and not divisible by the square of any prime".) >>> Rule 23.14 <<< (Wizard - 31/08/94 19:34:45 GMT) * INVALID * 2 pts WHEREAS the Hell Summer Games are growing tedious, and WHEREAS I, Satan, being the overlord and ruler of Hell (branch offices all around the world, inquire about franchise opportunities), have a notoriously short attention span and enjoy turning these proceedings upside down despite long years of therapy and the finest medical treatment Dr. Mengele, esteemed implementor of many fine and noble ventures in the pursuit of scientific knowledge during the just reign of the righteous Nazi empire, can offer, and WHEREAS my close, personal friend Graham Chapman, formerly of Monty Python's Flying Circus and a founding member of the Dangerous Sports Club, who although sadly not a resident of Hell is nevertheless passing through to observe the fiendishly hazardous "Luxury Yacht" competition (wherein teams strive to navigate a slalom-like course amongst whirlpools, sandbars, tidal waves and water spouts all the while carrying enormous suitcases full of far more clothes than could possibly be needed for the three hour competition), pointed out that although the event is SPELLED "Luxury Yacht," it's PRONOUNCED "Throatwarbler Mangrove," and WHEREAS I am frequently known as the Prince of Lies, Master of Deceit, and The Really Dashing Chap With the Pert Nose and FABulous Horns because I cherish falsehoods, obfuscation, and rakish good looks, I DO HEREBY DECLARE that the terms "word" and "words" do actually mean "letter" and "letters", and that "letter" and "letters" do actually mean "word" and "words", and that henceforth all sentences must begin with the same letter, and I DO FURTHER DECLARE that if a rule's number shares the same last digit as that of a previous VALID rule, the rule must name the poster of that previous rule, which is something I believe Jeremy (who I fully expect will join me in my domain in due course) will appreciate. >>> Rule 23.15 <<< (Jeremy - 01/09/94 21:01:08 GMT) * VALID * 3 pts Satan has found diabolical pleasure in the combination of things which should not generally be mixed. One of his particular favorites is the Boomerang Marathon event in which runners compete on an excruciatingly uneven looping course with various cruel obstacles thrown in just for fun. Unlike marathons you are used to, the winner is not the one who finishes the course the fastest (in fact there is no finish line, per se), but rather the last competitor to remain on his feet having overcome exhaustion, heat prostration, and the concussive blows of his opponent's boomerang attacks. In the '66 Hellympics the B-marathon course intersected with the grounds of the Pole-Vault competition for nearly 2 miles. This resulted in much increased excitement in the action of both sports and, predictably, the disqualification of several Polish marathoners who were unceremoniously "vaulted" by the (some things remain the same in all Olympics) overly muscular East German Women's Pole-Vault team. In a more recent B-marathon contest, the notorious serial killer Hannibal (the cannibal) Lechter pleased Satan very much by his own variation on this sport of attrition. In honor of Satan's penchant for the combination of things, all future rules (including this one) shall combi^&*/}+@@*&\\//)(^6%5%$##... * I AM BEELZABUB ! * *YOU FOOLISH HACKING NOMIC-NERDS HAVE TAKEN THE NAME OF *THE DARK ONE IN VAIN ONCE TOO OFTEN!! YOU HAVE MEDDLED *IN THE AFFAIRS OF SATAN AND NOW YOU MUST PAY THE PRICE! *THE MINIONS OF EVIL HAVE TAPPED INTO THE INTERNET IN ORDER *TO CURSE YOUR IDIOTIC ELECTRONIC GAME! * * AH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! * *IN SATAN'S INFINITE CRUELTY, HE HAS DETERMINED THAT YOU *SHALL PERISH BY YOUR OWN TORTURES! SATAN HAS INAUGURATED *A NEW HELLYMPIC EVENT IN YOUR HONOR - THE "HRC" (HELL RULES *COMMITTEE)! * *ALL RULES WHOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT DIVISIBLE BY THREE MUST *INCLUDE A VALID HELLRULE. THE FIRST TWO HELLRULES ARE: *TO BE VALID A HELLRULE MUST BE CONSISTENT WITH ALL PREVIOUS *VALID HELLRULES. A VALID HELLRULE WHICH IS INCLUDED IN AN *"INVALID" FRC RULE WILL STILL BE CONSIDERED A VALID HELLRULE. * * AH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ...*($$@!{;-{)>&**/\&*icken, two ducks and a tomato. >>> Rule 23.16 <<< (Alyxx - 02/09/94 13:52 GMT) * VALID * 1 pt. "Media Bash" is one of the most popular events at the modern Hellympics. In our world, the sports commentators are permitted to make inane comments at will, disturb the athletes, and hide in boxes. In hell, special [live] [o.k., dead but animate] sportscasters are given much more "up-front" consideration. Late-Ex-President (and huge sports fan) Richard M. Nixon was the star in the most recent compitition. He was permitted to hold the large microphone, while 66 pole-vaulters beat him every time he opened his mouth. Lest this event seem like too much fun for the athletes, the poles involved were made of the same "white-hot" substance as the earlier-mentioned chess pieces. [66 pole-vaulters = a number of valuters (66) left over from the '66 hellympics, of course]. While the vaulters strike their victim, he must shout a littany of Hellrules into the microphone. One such Hellrule is that each Hellrule be incorporated directly into an event, much the way the first two were incorporated into the HRC event. To avoid boredom, the rest must incorporate into OTHER events. Spectators to the Media Bash were permitted to pelt all participants with a chicken, two ducks, and a large, rotting tomato, just to please Jeremy. As Mr. Nixon succumbed to the vicious blows, he announced that all rules which immediately follow another VALID rule MUST name the author of that rule. As an adjunct, but a separate restriction nonetheless, all rules which immediately follow an INVALID rule must NOT name the author of that rule. >>> Rule 23.17 <<<< (Wizard - 02/09/94 19:25 GMT) * INVALID * 2 pts. "This is Jim McKay, welcoming you back to HBC's coverage of these Hellympic Games. With me today is former United States Senator Joe McCarthy to help comment on the upcoming Mudslinging event. Joe, you were something of an expert at this event in your lifetime, weren't you?" "That's right, Jim. You might say I was so good, I had people seeing red." "Ouch. If you weren't already here, Joe, you'd certainly deserve to be for that awful pun. But tell us about the event." "Thanks, Jim. The Mudslinging event had its origins back in the '66 Pole Vault, when the entire Polish squad, outraged at their treatment by the East Germans, began raining disparaging comments upon the women. The East Germans didn't take this lying down, and immediately fired back their own verbal ripostes. Soon the crowd began cheering more loudly for the insults and innuendo than they had for the Pole Vault itself, and thus was the Mudslinging competition born." "But Mudslinging's come a long way since those humble beginnings, hasn't it Joe?" "Yes, the rules have been codified and refined to make this competition more of an art form than the free-for-all as which it began. Now contestants strive to insult their competitors in the most creative ways possible. But there I see that comedian Sam Kinison is stepping onto the field. Let's listen in." Kinison: "Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You Germans call yourselves competitors? You're nothing! You have no creativity! Look at your latest Hellrule. LOOK AT IIIIIIIIIIIIT! 'All invalid rules shall, for future Hellrules, be adhered to as if they were valid Hellrules, unless they are inconsistent with a previous Hellrule or a previous invalid rule which is being adhered to as a Hellrule. Thus, such Hellrule-valid invalid rules are considered to be talking about Hellrules, rather than about rules, and future references to Hellrules shall be considered to include Hellrule-valid invalid rules.' Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Talk about a HELLrule! I can't even understand what you're talking about here! It sounds like you can't come up with something original, so you have to resurrect dead stuff! Well, start with me, baby, because I still have a few things to say topside. You hear me, Lisa Marie Presley? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! What were you THINKING? The guy's on the rebound from The Elephant Man's BONES! Were you just looking for someone to share beauty tips with? Ohhhhhhhhhhh!" "A rocky start for the U.S. team, Jim. Kinison's jab at the Germans wasn't very effective, and his Presley comments, although not without merit, are entirely out of bounds. But the German Hellrule HAS created a lot of controversy and has confused these games even more, much to the delight of spectators." "Very true, Joe. We'll be back with more from the Mudslinging competition after these words from our sponsors." The 1994 Hellympic Games are brought to you by: The Fantasy Rules Committee, who remind you that if you mention a dead man in a future rule, be sure to compliment the competitor who posted the rule immediately prior to your own. Because we're not as nasty as the Hellympics. and by... The Hades Farmer's Market. Alyxx had the good taste to buy her rotten tomatoes from us. Shouldn't you? >>> Rule 23.18 <<< (Jeremy - 02/09/94 22:04 GMT) * INVALID * 0 pts. This rule is obviously invalid >>> Rule 23.19 <<< (Jeremy - 02/09/94 22:23 GMT) * INVALID * 1 pt. As in our Olympics, the most famous competitors are not only those who have won medals in their events, but also those who have shown remarkable sportsmanship, showmanship and style (Kind of like the FRC). In the '66 Pole-Vault competition, one of the most famous Hellympians of all time, Richard Wagner (composer and notorious anti-semite), was player-captain-manager on a team of obese female ex-opera singers. Although the team finished 66th that year, Satan personally rewarded Wagner for the style he showed in getting his Valkyrie-bedecked team-mates to round up Poles with their spears, loft them onto each other's horned helmets and throw them from helmet to helmet and thence into the vault (all the while singing the aria from the chasm of hell scene of Don Giovanni). Wagner's reward was to be invited to compete in the Poetry competition. In this event, the chosen few compete to orate the most ass-licking, subservient poem written to the glorious Dark Lord. Wagner triumphed in this event by writing a short ode to the Demonic Secret Service: Hell has rules which must always be obeyed. Hidden spies send Satan key evidence to examine. Judge and jury are unnecessary for one who has trespassed, only the hangman is required. (Clearly, Satan is fond of bad poetry, as you might have expected...) In honor of Satan's hate of lax enforcement of rules, any rule whose rule number excuses it from certain requirements found in previous rules shall *not* adhere to those requirements. >>> Rule 23.20 <<< (Bruce - 02/09/94 23:55 GMT) * VALID * 1 pt The crowd roared loudly with malice as the "Rasputin-putting" competition resumed. Ever since his death Rasputin, Russian mystic and confidant to the Romanov royal family, was bound and gagged at the start line. As in the mundane world's shot put, the goal was to hurl the projectile as far as possible. Monster ape King Kong's (flying the colors of Hollywood, USA) entry to Hell has stifled competition, as he is the Underworld-record holder in the event, and rarely has to even make a single throw due to his being the sole entry. Hell's rules required that none of the Hell rules could copy the rules of the mundane (frc) world, so the event was unlike our shotput in every way. As was customary, Rasputin detailed to the crowd the night his persistent killers stabbed, shot, poisoned, and drowned him, which met with another gurgle of approval from the assemblage. And so, the gibbering horde's right to know acknowledged, all rules mentioning a real deceased person (as opposed to a deserving fictional one), shall describe the means of that person's demise, and shall do so for all real deceased persons mentioned in that rule. >>> Rule 23.21 <<< (Andrew - 04/09 04:27 GMT) * INVALID * 1 pt Not surprisingly, mishaps due to confusion and poor planning plagued the '66 Hellympics. The Seventh Circle, who hosted the games that year, worried a great deal about turning a profit on the event, and critics of the layout and facilities abounded. In fact, the whole thing was vaguely reminiscent of the way in which the terrestrial Olympics are evaluated financially, with "success" bearing less on sprotsmanship and atmosphere than the profit to the host city. The difference, of course, was that the '66 Hellympics were criticized for being _well_ planned. There were plenty of hotel accommodations for guests, no live animals found in the food at the Hellympic Village cafeteria, and not a single competitor spontaneously combusted. In the end, the Seventh Circle saw an astounding net loss in pain and suffering for the event. One such example was the Pole-vault competition. The high point of that event came when it was discovered that the vault for the French team was in fact a parlor in the style of the Second Empire in which lived Garcin, Ines, and Estelle, the three main characters in the play No Exit. As the room became crowded with Poles, the three were no longer forced to pay attention to the other two people in the room. Ines no longer had to stare lustfully at Estelle, Estelle no longer had to stare lustfully at Garcin, and Garcin no longer had to stare lustfully at Ines. The economy of the situation had been impressive: each one had been the torturer for the other two. No outside intervention was necessary from the Hell Administration, because only mental rather than physical torture was used. Now, the delicate balance was wrecked by the newly-arrived Poles. Satan became enraged, and declared, Henceforth, all rules whose numbers are divisible by three shall name three people, either fictional or non-fictional, who are worthy of being in Hell. Those people shall have some sort of link between them, which shall be made clear in the rule. >>> Rule 23.22 <<< (Ronald - 05/09 09:43 GMT) * INVALID * -1 pts All future Hell Rules whose number is prime shall be placed in an Fantasy Rule of exactly one sentence. >>> Rule 23.23 <<< (Ronald - 05/09 09:43 GMT) * VALID * 0 pts Nobody mentioned it yet, but the winner of the '66 Pole-vault event was Erwin Schrodinger, a physicist who helped inventing quantum mechanics. (He died seemingly quiet in his sleep, due to a quantum fluctuation and went to hell because numerous student have to struggle with quantum mechanics.) Erwin won the gold-medal because he abused a loophole in the Pole-Vault Rules: he stuffed his Vault with a total of 5945341 small magnets each with a North and a South Pole. Like our Olympics, Hell's Olympic events do have juries, to guard the observance of the rules. However, all Jury's decisions can be overruled by Satan himself. No doubt the Jury of the Pole-Vault event had played to much Fantasy Games before they died as they accepted Erwin's idea *and* gave hem extra Style Points. Satan, infuriated by Erwin and the jury, obliged all of them to participate in another competition: the 50 meter brass. Although the copper-zinc alloy with which the Hellympic Pool is filled, is indeed liquid at Hell's ambiant temperature, Erwin soon regretted his Pole-Vault Gold Medal. Attentive spectators could hear him mutter: "Future Hell Rules shall be followed by three blank lines" Like this rule, prime-numbered Rules shall name a Player who is still eligible when the Rule is posted. Alyxx and the other players will love this Rule! (Or sicken two ducks and a tomato!) >>> Rule 23.24 <<< (Alyxx - 06/09 16:18 GMT) * INVALID * 1 pt One event which has been much neglected is truly one of the highlights of the Hellympic games. "Vermin Catch" is a team game, in which competitors try to net the greatest number of rodents, insects, arachnids, and other vermin. Of course competitors are given no equipment beyond their clothing and bodily orifices in which to store their catch. Creativity plays a huge role here, both in scoring and in revolting your competition to the point of surrender. In the end the winning team, much like their earthly counterparts, win medals. However, unlike here on earth, the winners are given their medals in still-molten form, to shape as they will, to be worn for the closing ceremony. Even one drop of or ore spilled, of course, results in disqualification for that contestant. This year's contest was judged by one of Satan's favorite humans, the Marquis de Sade. It was the only contest that did not give the Marquis erotic pleasure, so the only one he could judge. In fact, ever since his death of pulmonary congestion coupled with gangrenous fever, brought on in the Abby after years of horrid imprisonment, he had a horror of insects and bugs in general. He, like the other judges, was very amused by the antics of one team, that brought the Three Blind Mice up as a part of their catch. This trio of mice could reason, speak, sing, and wiggle their tailless hindquarters, thus making them qualify as people, not as vermin. Extra style points were, however, awarded. The Marquis even offered them an autographed copy of his "dialouge between a Priest and a Dying Man" as a consolation prize for being caught. The eldest mouse declined, but suggested he offer it to Ronald. The second mouse then spoke up. He expressed disgust with the current trend to only name really crusty old dead people. He wanted EVERY rule from now on to make mention of modern dead people. This seemed to harsh to the third mouse, who tempered the rule into its final form, to wit: All rules whose number is divisible by 17 must include at least 3 references to modern (post 1950) political, social, or entertainment figures who are either dead or ought to be. Just for good luck, the mice then feasted on a quiche made of, of course, a chicken, 2 ducks, and a firm, juicy tomato. >>> Rule 23.25 <<< (Bruce - 08/09 1:46 GMT) * INVALID * 2 pts Famed celestial observer and cataloguer of the heavens Tycho Brahe dropped the checkers piece into the grid. "I win the first game," he said through his smile. A sickening wail was his opponent's only reply; although it did come from across the room, since the Headless Horseman preferred to watch himself play from a discreet distance. This was Tycho's first try at in the championship round; in each of his other attempts through the centuries his bladder had burst at varied inopportune moments in competition, much as it had burst at that dinner party so many years ago, costing him his mortal life. Since the Olympics in that world didn't contain board games, he had been unable to show off one of greatest talents: the game of Connect Four. The commentators began to chatter background for the second game, beginning with a summary of Hell's rules: "In Hell, the game of Connect Four is played as it is on the mortal plane. A game for two players who alternate taking one turn each, the object is to be the first to place four of your playing pieces in a row, vertically, horizontally, or diagonally, but not in a combination of the three. On a player's turn, e drops a piece from the top of the grid, and it falls until it reaches the bottom of the grid or comes to rest on top of another piece. Stay tuned for more rules and more of the action; each Hell-rule posting will contain another move in Game 2 of the matchup between Tycho and the Headless Horseman, who arrived in the championship by way of a stunning upset of Ichabod Crane, the haunting spirit's hapless victim in "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." The Hell rules have an interesting way of phrasing the winning conditions, which concentrate on the loser - 'it is considered invalid to make a move which allows the opponent to win on the next turn; the losing player has violated Hell's rules.' Should the game end in a tie, we'll begin again with a fresh game." And so, the contest began, with Tycho playing Xs and the Headless Horseman playing Os. Having won Game 1, Tycho moved first: ........ ........ ........ ........ ........ ...X.... "Your move, chop-top," he baited. Since many of the Connect Four fans like know more about the participants, the commentators make sure that each of their subsequent rule reports (about any sport in Hell) that mentions a fictional character name a fictional work (for each character in the rule) that the character appeared in. >>> Rule 23.26 <<< (Alyxx - 08/09 13:55 GMT) * INVALID * 1 pt Like our Olympics on earth, there are often new, exhibition sports being displayed at the Hellympics. Sometimes these catch on to become regular events, others vanish into obscurity. Here is one exhibition event that falls into the latter category... Hell's Golf. This event was first attempted at the now-notorious '66 Hellympics, and scheduled for the same time-slot as the Pole-Vault competition. Given Dr. Schrodinger' s unusual method of winning that event, and the Steel composition of Hell's golf balls, Every solid drive hit by the golfers was turned into a slice of massive proportions....and the balls attached themselves firmly to the outside of the good Dr.'s vault! That, coupled with the 75 pound clubs, no caddies, and the 91 hole course made for a (usually) boring event, and one which moved so slowly that the only ones tortured were the judges. Noted Judge (and Nobel-prizez winning physicist) (damned to hell for forcing students to learn his works), Johnnes Diderik van der Waals was so bored, he wandered off to watch Dr. Schrodinger at his event. He declared that all new rules must incorporate either a character or an event from a previous rule, UNLESS that new rule contains an event involving water. As he was considering the implications of this rule, Schrodinger broke in to declare that the latest hell rule would force all hellrules to have a backwards last drow. Schrodinger also reminded everyone he had died in his sleep, so there. >>> Rule 23.27 <<< (Bruce - 08/09 20:44 GMT) * INVALID * 2 pts Ere from the abyss I separate. . . . By that hidden way My guide and I did enter, to return To the fair world: and heedless of repose We climb'd, he first, I following his steps, Till on our view the beautiful lights of Heaven Dawn'd through a circular opening in the cave: Thence issuing we again beheld the stars. ***Addendum to Round 23 : Valid Hell Rules*** HR 1 (FR 23.15) - To be a valid Hellrule must be consistent with all previous rules valid Hellrules. HR 2 (FR 23.15) - A valid Hellrule which is included in an "invalid" FRC rule will still be considered a valid Hellrule. HR 3 (FR 23.16) - each Hellrule be incorporated directly into an event. HR 4 (FR 23.17) - All invalid rules shall, for future Hellrules, be adhered to as if they were valid Hellrules, unless they are inconsistent with a previous Hellrule or a previous invalid rule which is being adhered to as a Hellrule. Thus, such Hellrule-valid invalid rules are considered to be talking about Hellrules, rather than about rules, and future references to Hellrules shall be considered to include Hellrule-valid invalid rules. HR 5 (FR 23.17) - if you mention a dead man in a future [Hell]rule, be sure to compliment the competitor who posted the [Hell]rule immediately prior to your own. HR 6 (FR 23.20) - none of the Hell rules could copy the rules of the mundane (FRC) world HR 7 (FR 23.21) - Henceforth, all [Hell]rules whose numbers are divisible by three shall name three people, either fictional or non-fictional, who are worthy of being in Hell. Those people shall have some sort of link between them, which shall be made clear in the [Hell]rule. HR 8 (FR 23.23) - Future Hell Rules shall be followed by three blank lines.